Shake ya bum bum..

Last Sunday every one was focused on the entrance test and later its analysis. Literally every one from graduate onwards – aspiring young and worried older ones virtually every one was focused on the test. I also played my role well. Confidently smoking cigarettes I drove to the test centre along with my friend, looked for my center, took my seat, diligently worked on the test for 2 long hours and came out, smoked a cigarette and went back to home. And this I have been doing for last 3 years. Every time cursing my happy-go-lucky, casual nature or rather every time reminded of my incompetence (which I believe is increasing). But each year during this time, just like that puppy, I gather all the courage and leave the test center with renewed energy and determination to come back.

And to my surprise, I have a lot of well wishers. Immediately after the test, I started getting calls from curious people wanting to know about my performance. I hope they all read this and surely their anxiety would be put to rest.

I have only one concern left, with every passing day, I am getting older and older and too senile to bear this humiliation. I don't want to end up like Naseeruddin Shah in Iqbal or may be I just want to be that. ( By the way Naseeruddin Shahs name in the movie was Mohit ! kinda cute just like the movie isn't it ? ).

Adios.

Hmmm...

Falling from the skies,
Thrown in the winds
Swaying in all directions
I did not have any wings

You can see the world
On my face,
Engulfing its beauty
On my shinning maze

Splashing on tender leafs
Fleeting second of love and lust
After a long slide and the rush
Finally seeping in the dust.

Pure Shit!
Adios

Few mins in retrospection

Some people around me noticing my unusual behavior patterns ask what has happened to me and I only have an empty smile. They are amused by the idiosyncrasies that I have been -for some “portraying”. I must admit there are changes in me for substantial proportions since my school days. The reasons well I cannot put my finger on. I do not know any thing about the peculiarities in me, my friends and all and frankly speaking I till now never gave much shit to it.

But today I try to find a few reasons in retrospect. Like why did it at all happen to me. Instead of using ‘me’, I would use ‘we’ now on for I think I am not alone here. Why suddenly did we become so enervated and reticent? Probably the answer lies in the days we have spent in college. Though the time spent during that time is unjustifiable ( to great extent wasted ! ), I must admit enjoying living in this poignant nostalgia. In fact, I have been always enjoying it. Those days there was a feeling of calmness, carefree attitude and of bliss, of course along with ups and downs and downs. We liked our companions. Some liked the junkies, some liked the archetypes inflated genius, some liked to live in the poignant love hate relationship, some were sensitive, emotional and yet struggling to portray the hard face and head-strong mature personalities. Some just had romance courting girls and caring for them and had their own set of issues to deal with. And some just romanced with the idea of life and its beauty.

Each one had a way of life, but lately I am of opinion that every one wanted ( and every one wants ) to differentiate ones self from the rest even at the cost of defying the original self (at least I wanted to differentiate) and may be that s the constant struggle still going on. A couple of us thought we were like the scumbags of the society but still who were commanding authority and respect in the circles because of the sheer bond of friendship and common ideals- typical out cast pariah cowboys, though after a close notice of the recent developments I will outright reject the idea (for I see the so called common ideals eroded or manipulated). I am not sure, if I am right but I strongly believe we got and still are too carried away with the idea of differentiating our self. Mostly I think, it was and still is a search for identity. Over and above we were being brought up in a post naxal era with a state lost in economic disasters, confused in art and literature and trying to preserve regional snobbishness( which was embraced and given due credit) . And amidst of the cultural and personal pandemonium there were people of immense potential, vibrant, incredibly ambitious but with no clarity of goals and severely lacking on resources to build upon individual talents. They chose, made decisions and became furiously independent and untamed animals. Those disturbed minds are still out there seeking for their identities. So many masks have been worn that the real face is lost. We are beseeching the answers and there are none to be found. Still trying to find the sense in the our actions and the world per say. Mostly, it’s the realization of the sheer futility of the routine that haunts us, if not us-at least me. I do not see the world as open space of possibilities but that of puzzle board where I have to fit in and that is not acceptable. Every thing has been done and has become just cliché. With not able to find that adventurous unexplored paths which can glorify our living, differentiate from the rest and give a sense of originality and identity we seem empty, shallow and lost. Perhaps that’s the reason that we cling to the past where we were running alone in a race, each pursuing their idea of righteousness and being content. Now time has to shake the nostalgia and move on. But with an idea, dream or mirage whatever chased so vigorously and remaining unfulfilled can be horribly haunting. The only solace I find is in silence and solitude (and I know I am not alone here), at least as of today.

But I can’t tell give this argument to the people asking me those stupid questions. So for them I show my middle finger ..|.

And may be it would not be that bad an idea to get back to ourselves and be just another guy, try to be little modest and less bombastic about the intellectuality stuff and may be just for a while chase our interests ( with clarity ). Yeah, may be that’s what we need to do. Chase one by one things we wanted to do. But need to figure out about resources? Damn it.

Now, its suddenly that I feel a little enlightened. Time for some boiled eggs and drinks. Adios.

Happy Diwali

I have not burst any of the fire crackers for last 3-4 years, at least not the one with that ear bursting noisy ones. The reason for it is simple I have become very compassionate with animals especially dogs- kutte. Last time when we were a little high and all and the crackers bursting around, it dawned on me how much suffering the poor pets go through. I mean give it a thought – a dog who is so sensitive to the slightest noise of footsteps or even the crawling lizards and you burst that heart wrenching cracker right in front of him, that must beat the shit of the poor soul. I mean just try to put your self in place of that dog (and believe me you can do it !), those eyes watching the ugly kid joe lighting up that Atom Bomb and get the movie rolling, you start backing of in anticipation and then feel that shudder- a roar and then you start howling. Damn they both are cruel who burn these fire crackers and those who make them ( and make them so costly before even firing them up you can piss in your pants.). If that s not vivid enough think the other way round- you walking towards a chicks house front gate and then that sudden roaring german shephard out of no-where barking at you. Yeah now the animal lover is gone, but think of the shudder and that palpating heart.

And since the day I dreamt about the dogs and cats and birds and thinking of burning the crispy green notes I have stopped doing this nonsense. I can't afford this any more. Its easier to go down the building socialize, meet friends, watch the pretty girls, and teach the little kids to light crackers and be content. And if possible while bursting those noisy bombs and all, try to stand near a chick , she just might shudder and turn around and all.....the dreams may come true.

But I am now grown up, this time around I will stand 4 meters far from the bursting point and measure the sound level. It should not be more than 125 decibels according to the cpcb ruling. Its just like having your fundamental rights read out by Indian police. We have rules for everything and excuses to avoid just about any daring act.

And no more further gibberish - time to sleep.

And yeah, Happy Diwali to all of you, have a nice holiday.

A wicked pedestrian

She likes the good guys
But I ain’t one
But she likes the bad boys
And there are none
We are all his creations
And I swear, he’s having great fun.

I told her to love me
And she gave me a good one,
I thought she wanted me
But she wanted a better one
So I said go ahead and f*&k him
For hes the guilty one.

Foolish Chase

I saw a light far away
I thought I had found my way.
Walked and ran,
Tired and drooped
I tried to crawl,
To find the truth,

The light never moves,
Neither does it fizzles,
I run like a rabbit and crawl like a snail,
To reach for the glow
Unblinking eyes till the last nail.