Monday, June 18, 2007

Garfield in the Grassfields

From the corner of my eyes, I see him sitting in his cabin. He is reading economic times. There was a time, I would have admired this image. But then and there, I could not help but think, life has been sucked out of him. What a drag!. But then like sporadic self-contradictions, it flashed to me that may be life s not sucked out of him but instead he has sucked life out of all this office and is sucking mine and himself is having gala time of life. Most of us agree that may be the later is true.

But since as of now, in this blissful moment after attainment of self-confidence by true detachment, I believe that in all the right senses of humanity and compassion, he s sick and has no life. He is old, his face is worn out and I am sure he has his own share of hoards of trivial personal issues inkling at the back of his mind like that irritating humming of a mosquito on your ears. And he truly would go berserk any moment and slap his face. His life has slipped doing this one thing again and over again and achieved success by Darwin s “ Survival of the fittest “ and Adam Smiths “ Division of Labour”. Ladies and Gentle man he is top guy and has born the fruits of his labor and trust me he is as uncomfortable in his sweaty under wear as the office boy. You think it’s a pleasingly motivating sight. Please don’t fail me!.

The harsh reality is that most of us would be somewhere in that position, sick, tired worn out and may be yet every thing insecure. That’s the truth. The harsh truth which comes with age, look around and trust me all those faces will be yours in one situation or the other. And because we would never be happy with all the toys in the world, we would be chasing around and around this world, for us and for them and then fatal moment will come when you shall realize that it was just a silly game of merry go-around and you lost it all on the way. But for a while, in spite of lingering fears, I should admit I really don’t care for it. This is my time and I choose this moment. I need money and time and no work. By that I mean no work!. And its not that I am lazy or incompetent, I don’t give a damn! that’s all and that’s about it. Also, I have my reasons, which I think the world should know, coz I have been carrying tons of allegations for untrue and leading a lie.

Fact of the matter is I have not failed the world. The world has failed me. And brothers and sisters for all you know that is true in life is actually the biggest lie that god played on us. With the sad reality that in spite of every thing that you shall endure during this journey of nostalgic youth, exotic adulthood and nauseating old-age, you’ll never know the answers of why and when s ?. And if that was not enough he played another trick, no human was similar. We are all different. And we like fools competed with each other trying to be different and taking pride in it. The funny thing is if you are not able to differentiate yourself from the others you yourself never feel good about it from inside. See, you can’t beat the system too. Then your age would be gone and new ideas will germinate, a generation would come to thinking alike because no matter what all father s are mysteries, all sons are brats, all mothers are lovely and all daughters are wonderful. Identity?

What values does humanity thrive on?. Peace, liberty and freedom. It’s a mirage really. Since the dawn of human race, forget nature, we have been drinking blood out of each other in crusades over land and women. Who is Saddam, we even killed Jesus and documented it. And if there wasn’t enough filth in the wild carnal fantasies some one discovered Oedipus and made him famous for generations to corrupt. And before he was to die, Mr Freud came in and lifted the veil over the glory of human nature. People would say that’s an over emphasizing a subject and shrug it off. But how can you shy away from the numbers. Just have a glance of percentage distribution of subject content on the internet and the surveys on the great billion dollar pleasure. And trust me all governments grapple on how to cash upon this oppurunity in the most suttle ways. Should we talk of hypocrisy or should we be celebrate our great virtues.

Should I relent to a world that keeps itself confines of four walls and boundaries and runs on relations of conveniences?. Switch to CNN, watch the malnourished children in Africa, witness the apathy in the honor killing of females in middle east, the bombings. If nothing watch the farmers slogging for an earnest living in the scorching sun and commit suicide in there sick final lap and those who manage to garner the strength, the men, women and children watch them squatting on the road side. People would think that’s melodramatic, there are success stories. Look at the numbers, and if those are melodramatic, just glance into all those eyes and watch those weary faces in the bus stops and stations, longing and waiting for the struggle to end. How much joy I see around me, Ah! full-filling, awesome. Its so much pain, trauma and loneliness that you would have no choice but to turn a blind eye and set focus on your goals and achievements and still be sane and sleep at comfortably at night. Isn’t that funny and ironical, this sheer helplessness.

Then there are others who would site examples of good work been done around. It’s a joke really. The worlds predicted to end in half a century and the pace of good and developmental work for the welfare of humanity is full swing across the globe, have a look at middle-east, Africa and in the back yard slum in Mumbai. You think these are flourishing?. They have lived and will go and what would they have, nothing. Sheer waste and never even have the time to think about their lives. You were fortunate buddy that s all. That’s the greatness of our collective human civilization.

If, I were to give you the simple mantra to success to become the guy in the cabin or the lady in the corolla , learn the art to adapt. Adapt to situations. Make change your lifes constant, and keep manipulating or adjusting to situations. Always be on your toes. Keep dancing to those faites thumping tune and hopping from one square to another. Like fucking jokers. In a way the if you look closely you could correlate the art to adapt and survival of the fittest. Thanks in advance.

As for me, I say a big NO to this stupidity. I choose to be extinct and vanish. I won’t adapt to destiny s pressures instead I will change this stupid battleground. I choose to quit, when destiny wants to play, I’ll play when fate wants to quit. I have got this plague and I’ll spread this plague. And now I need what I seek, I seek soliders to wage this war of stupidity. Now I know the power of masses. They can turn all the lies seemingly the most incredible truth of real world. So here I’ll turn the tables. I will have the army of good for nothing flower children.

And then we need a leader for this army. No. I don’t want to lead any one. I want to be an observer and refrain from actions of any kind. I just want to lay back on the podium sip my bear, biting popcorns surrounded by ignorance which gets used throughout its life, stands and applauds this game between the good, the bad and the ugly.

I just want soothe my heart watch ignorance, god and devil do the belle dance, the sweet triple tango of its unique sort. Just chill and lie on the couch.

Ah! You know how much better it feels to lay yourself on the couch shake your head up and down, close your eyes. Stop looking for meanings in a meaningless world. Or is it meaningless mean world ? Chuck it.

I think, no DJ in world comes close to Mick Jagger. These guys made sense.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Junk Dilemma BC # 101

Did it had to occur to you? Did it ? No. But yet you walked on the road. Walked without thinking. Did you not think about it actually? . All the time , all the while you know where this was going. Did you try to stop it ? . No dear friend no. And that’s where you failed. Failed so miserably. In denying. Denying the temptations. Was it really necessary to fell on to your knees and fall for it ll. Not at all. You fooled every one with your ideals of curiosity and inquisitiveness. Why you fooled every one and now you hang your head in shame. In shame for your self. Stand on the window and gaze at the open sky. Look at the stars and feel nothing. Feel the wind and feel nothing. Just a soul trapped inside the body, commanded and served to the naked dance tunes of your dirty mind.

What happened to your eyes. Could you not see it. If you could not were your actually arrogant. But hey what difference could you have made it any ways. It just came on the way and you stopped. Forgot your destiny. Forgot those promises. Forgot all those eyes and aspirations that were put up on you. And chose to differ. And by the time you woke up! It was all gone. Every thing. Your grace. Your charm. Your healty life. It was turned into filth and dirt with only substances and sensuality remaining to amuse you.

What a shame isn’t it brother. What a shame. Come to accept of your real face and your soul cries of disgust. But what if the inside hates the world and most of hates every thing that you are. Want to apologize. Ha! But to whom? Are they worth? No they are not. But still you would like to apologize. The question is to whom? Whom do you chose to confess. Just when you were to unburden your self, life laughed and told you, to take a walk. You were not required. Such a pity. World will go on with out you. And long after you have gone.

For A while, for a while I thought music was dead. It was for me. Music was dead. I used to be so scared, even the thought of it. Would it never cherish me any more. I could not believe it, I have been so away from music, especially the kind, that kind for such a long while. It was just during my nocturnal visits to some of the most fabulous places in this city that, it used to come and kiss me right on the cheeks. And I for a while thought, I knew whom to apologize.

And sometimes I see him stand with hands hanging on the railings on the window and look at the dark cloudy sky and the gaze remains confused sight of gentle white radiance of moonlight surrounding the shadow of sun veiling the moon. The burning sun as shadow over reflection of its own light. Life’s nothing but fucking foreplay of light and shadow.

Hey now, all you sinners

Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you lovers

Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you children Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Cause there’s a monster living under my bed

Whispering in my ear

There's an angel, with a hand on my head

She say I’ve got nothing to fear

There’s a darkness deep in my soul

I still got a purpose to serve

So let your light shine, into my hole

God, don’t let me lose my nerve

Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now

Wo oh hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now....

We all shine like stars
We all shine like stars
Then we fade away

Friday, June 01, 2007

The Tranquil Nursery

" I like lilies " she said.

The gardener was a little disturbed, but he managed to contain himself and ask " That’s what you've been looking for?".

With her calm gaze fixed on the expanse of flowers and shrubs, peacefully searching, she said. " Yes" and then added with child like innocence" You've have a nice nursery. Its a bit different than the others in the town. A little sober. A little somber. And still holding." She paused, took breath, exhaled and said, " a sinless joy."
She smiled gently and veiled her thoughts, pressing her lips together then with clear firm tone "Its nice."

They paused for a while looking at each other from some distance till the gardner broke the silence with his modest voice "I don't think its great enough. Its just something little I tried to do in leisure time and later let it take its own form." and smilingly " Its a pleasure that some one sees so much in my garden"

For the first time, she looked away from the flowers and slowly turned her head, with a soft smile on her face, asked " Does that tells a little of you which is not known?".

The Gardner laughed a little, " No. No. Its not my secret garden. Nothing like that, its just , I guess, something, as you've put it appropriately, nice and neat"

He watched her kneel, bend over the Jasmine shrubs then gently talking a petal between her fingers feeling the smooth texture of it. " It s ok, you don't have to feel shy about it" and giggling she said, " You can have the luxury of unloading the burden of being a Man for awhile." and soon retreated her mind to the flowers with gentle gaze the one reflecting the calmness of blue lake, appreciating the beauty around and yet remaining ever so contently detached from all of it.

He stood waiting for her to complete her thoughts and wondered, "why she had come to his nursery this fine Sunday morning?" The sun was shining bright. Most of the town was celebrating the spring, some on hill top where the town people had arranged a trip, the boys he knew had gone to swim in river and bask in the glory of sun. And he wondered," why would she come to this nursery after all these years?". He had seen the girl in the town barely knowing her even the name. He had seen her since a child. He remembered, how he used to watch her go to school like a silly sweet heart, go to college, later she had gone for further studies to the town. When she had come back after accomplishing her studies in science, he had heard she was married fine scholar at the city university department. In later years he saw her delivering lessons in literature at community school. They had barely spoken to each other and their interaction was limited to a formal nod and courteous greetings at the local church.

He gazed her graceful figure clad in bright while, kneel over the Jasmine flowers, bend over, holding the flower s between her tender long fingers " Jasmines.... it has that unique gentle fragrance." She took a moment as if carefully choosing her words, she said, " I come to know a little of you from the friends in town. They talk of you. People always do. They tell me you are nice gentleman but a little reserved though. And I must say, they find you quite amusing too. But I guess, all of them have resigned you to your own self. I have watched you tending the flowers in the gardens time to time. You seem to do your job with considerable alacrity. But my experience tells that a silent discipline is often to contain the turmoil inside.

During the whole time, she was talking to as if some known to her and not a stranger, lost in her calm thoughts and seeking the depth of the unknown. The Gardner was watching with amusement, confused as to which direction the conversation was taking, " I am sorry, correct me if I am offending you, but I have never delved to those depths of my routine. What is that is bothering you lady?".

" Oh, you misunderstand me. May be I was too candid for first meeting!. It was just an opinion I had formed over these years, and since I felt like expressing, I have done so. The intention was not to dwell on your personal lifestyle." and with friendly sweetness she said, " But they say, you have kept this nursery good. Since I have never being here, I thought may be today I should explore this one too. Well, you did not tell me, do you have lilies?"

"Why, I was thinking you were liking Jasmines. "

"Oh, I do, but today I need Lilies."

He was a little perturbed, but he concealed his thoughts and said, " Well, in that case, I think this garden of mine shall be of little value to you. I do not have lilies in this nursery. "

She smilingly gazed into his eyes with the absolute mastery of disguise, " that case yes, it would indeed be a disappointment for me today, but, I am sure someday you shall plant lilies, no matter what your fears." and turned to the Roses.

In a tickling manner he said, "You know, I am of the opinion that. It would take more than a life time to know a person"

Without giving a glance, she retorted back , " You never know. You never know and yet, yet you may know everything. Sometimes its all so amazingly absurd."

Suddenly the gardener laughed, " I don't think I would enjoy let an interesting customer not enjoy her trip to my nursery. Would you like to have a cup of tea here?"

"That is surely welcome", she said, with a dignity that comes to those who take the path less treaded.

They took their cups and strolled in the garden, he telling her about all the flowers he had sown, about the varieties, the seasons and went on with an enthusiasm of a scholar who had spent considerable time pursuing his interested, attending to the details of life sowed, watered and observed it take form and structure in front of keen eyes. He asked her interests, he asked her about Lilies, she told him, " lilies you know..." and with youthfully enthusiasm they went on discussing flowers, feelings and life. Soon time went under horizon, till their shadows gave in to the darkness.

Morning light poured as if in tune with the towns pace of grace and calmness. He could hear the church bell and he started waking up to a illusion of a new dawn. He went about doing his morning chores and came out neat and casually dressed out into the nursery and gazed around, many colorful birds were chirping on the trees and there were honey-bees on the flowers. Life has bloomed to its full glory, the gardener thought and smiled to himself. His attention went to the young couple opening the nursery gates.

Taking a casual walk, he went to them and greeted them inside. They both walked behind him shying and trying to avoid get his attention. He turned around and asked in a humble soft mature tone, " Tell me, how can I help you. "

Boys face reflected affection, love and care for the feelings for the girl, he spoke taking initiative of a protective friend " She has interests in gardening. And she was planning to have a lily plantation. So, we were wondering, could you help her getting one. Since there are not many beautiful nurseries left in the town like this one"

Reflecting back to the memories, the past, so many friends and so much love, he uttered, " Yes, I guess, this nursery, has weathered the change of seasons and turned a little more beautiful" and rubbed his palms over his wrinkled eyes.

The gardener was lost in the sweetness of boys innocent and ignorant words of love, stood smilingly at them, as if teasing them of the hesitating manners and tried to catch their eyes. He took a moment, smiled at them back and said, " Well, I feel little bad to disappoint both of you, but I would not have lily plantation for you. Please do not mind. I have many other varieties of flowers, few of them as exotic as Lily , you can have a look around, see if something else pleases you."

The couple gazed into the gardeners deep old eyes, " Sure we will."

"Then in that case, I shall brew some hot tea for both you wonderful people." and he walked towards his cottage. From the corner of his eyes, he glanced the boy tickling the girl and both of laughingly taking walk in the nursery.

The couple playfully giggling started briskly walking, hand in hand, around the nursery. When they came to the back yard, they were amazed. Surrounded by the shadow of trees, there were lilies arranged in the form of a thick circle. Neatly trimmed slanting from high to low, making a sort of little hill. The ones on the inner periphery of the circles were visibly older than the ones on the inside. And there was this gentle fragrance of moistened soil watered in early in the morning.

From behind they heard the gardener, “ Please do not pluck the flowers from those.”

They turned back, looked in to his deep dry eyes, noticing the dark circles that had formed under it. But it was warmth and calmness of his wrinkled face that touched them.

Gently he spoke, “ Please, do not misunderstand me, my intentions were not to be dishonest, but I could not have helped myself, I have tried to keep this small part of nursery to myself.” He coughed and like wandering through the past, he spoke, “ It all stopped making sense to me and I turned agnostic”

Recollecting all those sweet memories he thought to himself, “ How sometimes destiny turns lifes ignorance to a burden of crimes. “

“Every ones got a past dear friends”, he spoke smilingly with tranquility in his voice to soothe the young couple. “Under those lilies lies my lost pretty child." He took a moment to absorb the gravity of his words and the disbelief , “Lillies, a friend told me, symbolizes that the soul of the departed has received restored innocence after death."

Heaving a sigh of relief he said placidly, “ It’s a sunny day, lets go to the front into the nursery, the tea is ready to refresh you.”

The couple sensing his reserved past, followed him as he walked in front of them.
As they strolled behind his graceful wise figure, the couple glanced behind into the middle of the lilies, and noticed the neatly carved statue of Mother Mary with folded, gentle arms, longing to see into the closed eyes of what seemed like dead Jesus.