Few mins in retrospection

Some people around me noticing my unusual behavior patterns ask what has happened to me and I only have an empty smile. They are amused by the idiosyncrasies that I have been -for some “portraying”. I must admit there are changes in me for substantial proportions since my school days. The reasons well I cannot put my finger on. I do not know any thing about the peculiarities in me, my friends and all and frankly speaking I till now never gave much shit to it.

But today I try to find a few reasons in retrospect. Like why did it at all happen to me. Instead of using ‘me’, I would use ‘we’ now on for I think I am not alone here. Why suddenly did we become so enervated and reticent? Probably the answer lies in the days we have spent in college. Though the time spent during that time is unjustifiable ( to great extent wasted ! ), I must admit enjoying living in this poignant nostalgia. In fact, I have been always enjoying it. Those days there was a feeling of calmness, carefree attitude and of bliss, of course along with ups and downs and downs. We liked our companions. Some liked the junkies, some liked the archetypes inflated genius, some liked to live in the poignant love hate relationship, some were sensitive, emotional and yet struggling to portray the hard face and head-strong mature personalities. Some just had romance courting girls and caring for them and had their own set of issues to deal with. And some just romanced with the idea of life and its beauty.

Each one had a way of life, but lately I am of opinion that every one wanted ( and every one wants ) to differentiate ones self from the rest even at the cost of defying the original self (at least I wanted to differentiate) and may be that s the constant struggle still going on. A couple of us thought we were like the scumbags of the society but still who were commanding authority and respect in the circles because of the sheer bond of friendship and common ideals- typical out cast pariah cowboys, though after a close notice of the recent developments I will outright reject the idea (for I see the so called common ideals eroded or manipulated). I am not sure, if I am right but I strongly believe we got and still are too carried away with the idea of differentiating our self. Mostly I think, it was and still is a search for identity. Over and above we were being brought up in a post naxal era with a state lost in economic disasters, confused in art and literature and trying to preserve regional snobbishness( which was embraced and given due credit) . And amidst of the cultural and personal pandemonium there were people of immense potential, vibrant, incredibly ambitious but with no clarity of goals and severely lacking on resources to build upon individual talents. They chose, made decisions and became furiously independent and untamed animals. Those disturbed minds are still out there seeking for their identities. So many masks have been worn that the real face is lost. We are beseeching the answers and there are none to be found. Still trying to find the sense in the our actions and the world per say. Mostly, it’s the realization of the sheer futility of the routine that haunts us, if not us-at least me. I do not see the world as open space of possibilities but that of puzzle board where I have to fit in and that is not acceptable. Every thing has been done and has become just cliché. With not able to find that adventurous unexplored paths which can glorify our living, differentiate from the rest and give a sense of originality and identity we seem empty, shallow and lost. Perhaps that’s the reason that we cling to the past where we were running alone in a race, each pursuing their idea of righteousness and being content. Now time has to shake the nostalgia and move on. But with an idea, dream or mirage whatever chased so vigorously and remaining unfulfilled can be horribly haunting. The only solace I find is in silence and solitude (and I know I am not alone here), at least as of today.

But I can’t tell give this argument to the people asking me those stupid questions. So for them I show my middle finger ..|.

And may be it would not be that bad an idea to get back to ourselves and be just another guy, try to be little modest and less bombastic about the intellectuality stuff and may be just for a while chase our interests ( with clarity ). Yeah, may be that’s what we need to do. Chase one by one things we wanted to do. But need to figure out about resources? Damn it.

Now, its suddenly that I feel a little enlightened. Time for some boiled eggs and drinks. Adios.