A rolling coin in time....

Hazaron Khwaishein Aisi

Ki Haar Khwaish Par Dam Nikale

Bahut Nikle Mere Armaan

Fir Bhi Kam Nikale

I tossed it and lifes now a rolling coin in time. A long waiting.

The cute little friend said, “Jurm Chabuk Ki nishani se nahin pehchane jate.”

Its raining you know. And its so wonderful. Apart from this the funny part is I’ve become so pathetic that I have to rely on weather to save me.

Save me. Save me from the world. Hide in time and space. – That’s the kind of shit rain brings with it apart from the wetness. J.

Sawan ka mahina

pawan kare shor.

Jiaaare jhume aise. – Crap.

What you have is learning to fly and its playing in sky. And that’s when you know – you are fucked for life.

Did I say- fucked for life?. Jesus ! Lord, they want to tell, its me, who’s twisted?.

How audacious!. Why do I even bother. A piece of advice -look at youself, honestly.

All that we needed was right
The threshhold is breaking tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

That’s when you walk naked in front of the mirror. Ever seen a naked soul?. Tried to live every single moment of life and heres the moment where whole life passed by. Every one, everything, a fleeting second and you want to hold on to it so bad, so close to you and yet it does not matter.

Ahh, the laughter!. Wish you were here. Wish no one was here. Wish nothing was here. But thennn huff, you know, that laughter was so sweet. Keeps coming back. And some times you only give-a honest-smile to it.

Move on- is the logic, bro.

But damn it – Where?. Moved enough !.

Run on bro. Please. You are behind. Its for your own good.

Fuck you.

Angry. Didn’t mean to upset you.

No. Leave.

Its raining again.

Hide then!

No. She is coming for me. Please leave. Yeah, she’s coming for me-coming with all that I need and with all that is mine. And she is so beautiful.

Take it easy bro.

Long time man, I felt so complete.

Look!. He’s so much at peace. Not a care in the world. I was like that once. She’s bringing “me” back among the other things. And then not to mention, she herself is such a charm. She’s come for me. Waiting for the day she’ll take me along with her.

Analyze this

Everythings physics. Here is something that I was going through after a long time and surprisingly I can see things in a different prespective. Nothing much just a little effort to find my postion in time and space.

" There are certain combinations of axially loaded members in which the equations of static equilibrium are not sufficient for a solution. This condition exists in structures where the reactive forces or the internal resisting forces over a cross section exceed the number of independent equations of equilibrium. Such cases are called statically indeterminate and require the use of additional relations that depend on the elastic deformations in the members. "

Not much but I've got a hunch I am thinking in right direction.

Adios.
Ankur

While I was talking...

Suddenly I felt that some how I am drained of subjects to talk on to. Knowing my nature I can say that I was never talkative but I used to talk. Now, I do not even feel like it. Reasons are varied for this behavior, but, I reassure myself just like on most things in life- shit happens and forget it. But then the problem with reasonable men is that they keep finding reasons, mostly for trivial things in life. The conversation these days drifts something like this.

Me: “ hi boss how are you doing ?

Friend: “ Nothing yaar, bas chal raha hai, aur tu bata ..”

Me : « Kuch khas nahin, bas kat rahi hai «

Friend : « Aur kisi se baat hui ? “

Me: “ Nahin re… kafi din ho gaye “

Friend : “ Naukri chakri kaise chal rahi hai “

Me: “ Bass jab tak hai tab tak hai …bore ho gaya hun .. need some change….tu bata tera kya ? “

Friend : “ Kuch khas nahin .. college ki fees bhar di hai ..joining ka wait kar raha hu n… aur tu bol “

Me: “ Kuch nahin …aur bata “

Friend : “ Kuch nahin yaar pak gaya hun …tu bol “

Me; “ Koi movie shovie dekhi …”

Friend : Nahin yaar…wahi sab ..repeat kar raha hun …chod tu bol tune ?

Me: “ nahin yaar, crash dekhi ti …achi hai ..nice one..worth it ..tu dekh le aur bol…”

Friend: “ Aur daru pani … ? “ . ( This is the only question where we have that resonating frequencies. )

Me ( joyously ): “ First class… tu bol . “

Silence

Friend: “ kuch nahin , tu bata “

Me: “ Kuch bhi nahin yaar…chal fir mein phone karta hun ..fir ..theek hai “

This conversation would be like for 15 minutes with teeny-weeny bit intermingled with certain gender issues, personal problems, privacy issues, garnished with the Indian abuses. But rest assured, the heart and soul are with good intentions, clean, clear, honest and dead.

The fact is sometimes I feel like that old man on the bar stool playing with his glass of rum and sitting silently. Numb.

Apart from the realization that I am no longer social animal, the amusing thing is that the people whom I am acquainted are not social animals too, but animals they are. But I must admit once in a while, you watch the cute friend talking to another cutie, you feel like talking, socializing, getting to know each other, that kind of stuff. And suddenly, you have smile. Ah, happiness !. But don’t be too expressive in front of cute friend, or else, you talk, she listens and then only she does the talking and you do the listening.

At the end of the day, all I learn is that there are some people have an eye for trouble and will trespass the prohibited zone at any given opportunity, the best thing for them is to remain silent. You engage in discussions, make mistakes and blow your cover. So as for me I take comfort in the fact that anonymity is a great strength. And while mostly silence is deafening sometimes its just pure bliss.

Conversation With God

No doubt technology has brought such a drastic change in our lives, a great culmination of ideas, creativity, cultures and lives. Look at blogging- irrespective or writing or reading them, the whole idea is so fulfilling and enriching. The whole of Internet is so much fun. I read a lot of blogs some known and unknown, related or unrelated without any prejudice like a fool and like its so overwhelming reading about social, political, cultural, some like daily diaries to some with mundane abstracts. Like an turbulent river over so many different lives. Like the web and network so much seemingly routine and stable but you can peep and look at so much chaos. One can share the focused ideas, the bubbling creative, the dark emotions and the maddening abstracts.

All of this is like watching a movie. We get involved in little ways in a few lives daily. And we must appreciate god must be working so hard on watching so many different movies getting played for him. I am sure, he cheers, cries and laughs with you (and mostly over you). And I know he sits, watches all our lives and seemingly does nothing about it. Often I feel angry about it. But to share the truth with you, I don't mind he not doing any thing about it, he is a good guy, a good friend and every one has short comings. I had a little chit-chat with him today morning, and as I recollect, he told me, "what should I do, I have been doing this for ages, there are so many of you and now I am really bored of this. I am no longer interested in this work, I want to change my job profile and tell me do you like your assigned work? No one does, - so chill, relax." So I asked, "Assigned task?. And I had squarely put it back to him. I told him, the whole damn problem in the world was no body knew what they are supposed to be doing, there was no clarity of goal, every one was seeking their purpose!. So he annoyingly lamented, "What purpose, what goals? hogwash. Why can't you all stop eluding yourself under the pretext of higher morals and purpose and all? If you guys could just live simple, honest, and go about with routine doing your work, and I could retire, but NO, you come here, forget your work and whine about it all the time, why don't you speak up when you are supposed too !. ". Suddenly he diverted to t.v he said, "Look, there has be an unfortunate incidence at Bombay fashion week!. See some one did not do his job properly, damn!, let me just monitor what happened! ". And he played and replayed. I intervened and asked, " But, you could have stopped it and you could have done so many things, after all you know the future ". Without looking at me, he said , " Listen, I do not know the future, there is no future, what future are we talking about here, my own future is jeopardized, the way rock-stars are shouting god is dead and the way this quota thing is going on soon they'll be talking having reservation for gods and the way you all resent me, I am losing support on the ground itself. I have got my own problems to deal with. Do you care for them?. No. Common, I have written no destinies, my dear, the defining thing is your actions, and I have told it so bloody many times, but still you won't work and look at you, tell me, what are you typing ? What is the sale for this month ? and he smiled and whispered, " I sometimes do not like to be questioned . Do you? "

Suddenly, I heard a voice. " Ankur, why the sales for last few months have been steadily – pathetic ? and what's that you keep typing all the time ? " .

Writing in haze

"There aren’t any sins and there are no virtues, theres only stuff that people do".
And shit happens.

I personally believe that’s the present day reality and one has to live with the fact that- shit happens. Why do I say that? Well you know the reasons and if you don’t, just look around you and if you still can’t, keep reading this blog coz for one time I am going to convince you that you are deep in it.

As I see (and you’ll too someday) the world is governed by three forces- Power, Money and Sex. (I think Sigmund Freud was so obsessed with sex that he overlooked power and money). Also, going by the strength of these forces, I think Power and Money are far influential both qualitatively and quantitatively than sex. Once you hold power and/or money the third force comes into play like a natural or a forced draft and lets not feel ashamed about it- it’s been there since the dawn of the world. But then if you look at all these forces under microscope you’ll a common phenomenon underlying all the activity. And that is politics. And behold you have got the string theory.

Anyways, be it your admission to nursery school or to college (or be it your expulsion), in office, in your residential society, in soap operas, be it your marriage, in love triangles and polygons, in religious institutions, be it genocides on streets or in your bed- politics is all around you and inside you. You play it all along, day in and day out, you know why, because, every body wants to rule the world. Every body wants to screw the world-its way.

And you know what, after a while you get so fed up of it all around, so drained and somber playing the games. You start to see the clear futility of every single thing around you. But then rationality dawns upon you, the fact that, you don’t have much of a room in this world to avoid it. You get enlightened and accept the fact to the core of your heart- Shit happens. You smile and just like the day out of high school you went chupte-chupate and bought a ticket for that C-grade “Chameli ki suhagraat” and watch the movie – hoping for your purpose to be resolved and suddenly twenty minutes down your heart tell s the truth “kuch nahin hai yaar, kuch nahin hone wala hai!“ and you loose hope. But then you resolve to have fun while you are there. So you sit and, suddenly its all funny and you enjoy and watch the whole show till the end.

So, just lay back, and let the drama unfold. Enjoy the orgy going all around you. And if you are with apprehensions about morals, ethics and all, trust me, its not by choice that you came to the witness this show, it was your freaking destiny. And satisfaction was never guaranteed. Should I tell you what to do?.

It’s a long drawn battle, so just pull up your zippers.

P.S: I am freaking upset! . The post was meant for the launch of my new blog- Poli-tickling. I wanted to write something serious and positive and contribute my bit. But Shit happens.
Anyways , welcome to http://politickling.blogspot.com. Where we shall tickle with politics in day to day lives.

So they ask - whats up ?

Dad: “Ankur, wake up ! . How much do you sleep ! . Get up .
Me: I slept late that’s why ?

Boss; “ You are twenty minutes late ! “
Me: Sir, actually my parents were discussing the prospects of my marriage.

Me: Hi , good morning , how are you ?
She: Morning…tell me why are you calling up so late ? You are late for every thing, why can’t for once you call on time for god sake.
Me: Oh …I am sorry, I was little busy.
She: Bla bla … Any ways, forget it, I love you, how are you by the way ?
Me: Hoof…, I love you to honey…I am fine….ok take care.
She: What ! You want to hang up !
Me: No actually..its just that.. I am little tied…
Click. Beep Beep.

Dad: Why do you come late from the office, every day. You have some sense of family responsibility ?
Me: Aaa….its just that coz, I began late, I finished late.
Dad: This routine will continue if you remain bachelor, I am telling you its high time….
Me: Comfortably Numb.


Life is a circus. Oh, I am sorry, I should not generalize- my life is a circus.Its like you swinging in the air, jump hold on another guy, than he realizes you and you go catch another female she holds you then she swings you and it goes on. And its only a matter of time before you have that mighty fall. And by the way, if you think your life is not a circus then I must admit- you are the finest joker I have come across.

Pistaul Jail Mein Aaa Chuka Hai...

As promised to the gentry who visit this site...I am glad to present...

http://www.centaur.textamerica.com

:) as promised.

More to come..

Adios
Ankur

P.S: A part of the photo blog deserves to an unsung hero, thanks to the model. And there are moments treasured close to the heart but not been published for certain reasons, but they shall follow.