Faeen Mornin fellas ....u naw wy tis faeen?

Rocky Balboa: "What is it you said to the kid? The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very rough, mean place... and no matter how tough you think you are, it'll always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently... if you let it. You or nobody ain't never gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit... it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit. "

Nick Cave:
you roll me at your sides
you shot me down
Though I had no enemy here
you get me very near and shoot me down
shoot me down
your hands they flutter up
-?-
and shoot me down... in flames

Stand back baby, stand back and let me breathe
I think I must be filin' outta here
I can hear the grass grow
I can hear the melting snow
I can feel your breath against my ear
I might just disappear
Yeah, wouldn't that be nice?
Yeah, wouldn't that be nice?
Well, wouldn't that be nice?

I look into your eyes
it comes as no great surprise
you're gonna shoot me down
shoot me down
I know that when you smile
it'll only be a short little while
Shoot me down... in flames

Shoot me down
in flames....
you're gonna shoot me down
shoot me down
shoot me down in flames
shoot me down in flames

Copyright infringement ! ...Shoot me down.

Dich.kyaun.

I always wanted to quit....

On a Monday morning. Since That turned out to be a holiday. I quite on a Tuesday morning. But I have quit. The worrying part is I am developing this habit of quitting, that too important things in life.

And while I was having a sort of exit interview, as general discourse- the boss said, “ See, one either has to do things you like, or one has to like what he’s doing. That’s the funda in life. “ I was like ohh yeah. Fcuking great quote. But you ain’t G.B Shaw, bro. But I don’t know, for some reason the opening and closing lines of a movie came to my mind. May be I have been watching it over so many times that like a dark soot it has settled on my conscious. Or may be that I think those are very close to truth of a pedestrian life .

Opening lines ( Back ground Chris Barris ).

“ When you’re young your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be great. You might be Einstein. You might be De Maggio. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren’t Einstein. You weren’t any thing. That’s a bad moment. But I remembered something Carlyle wrote: “ ..there is no life of a man, faithfully recorded, but is a heroic poem of its sort, rhymed or unrhymed.” I realize my salvation might be in recording my wasted life, unflinchingly. May be it would serve as a cautionary tale. May be it would help me understand why?.

I too strongly believe the way my life is taking its course and if I’ll be recording it unflinchingly, it would be exactly that cautionary tale. I mean life mostly is like multiple choice question. Observe a few lives ( I can recommend a few ), you would not find right answer, but surely you can eliminate wrong options. And after all, solving multiple choice questions in a limited time requires more of elimination than finding the right answers. Having said that I must say, there are still a few blokes who would still experiment and learn it all the hard way. Sad !. But without them its not much fun right?.

Closing lines

“You know, I came up with a new game show idea recently. It’s called The Old Game Show. You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn’t blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator. “

And here lies the gifted divine human virtue of hope. I kow a lot of people who would still fight dearly to win that refrigerator. People would miss out on so many little wonderful things, just to perform on their judgement day. Sometimes, people are so over-zealous as to the point of madness for seemingly trivial achievements. Its kind a funny. But I don’t know, feels like I want to wreck such peoples face.

I really think I do not gel into Darwins Theory. And I’ve found a new purpose in life. I want to be the advocate of the unfit. :)

P.S Quiz time for the curious minds. Do I regret my decision? Well no. Do I have any reasons, well, I’ve not started recording my life. :) Is my view one of pessimism? That reminds me of another line from the same movie:
“ Listen you are thirty two years old and you’ve achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive by thrity-three. Better get cracking”. So the good news is, I’ve got a few more years to go. J. I am not pessimistic, but I am human ( yes I am ) in flesh and blood and meri bhi fat-ti hai.

Tell me which movie am i quoting ? :)

Adios.

Fading murmurs from the hole

Location: Promised land

Time: 2.00 a.m

Its not that I am not used to be awake this late. I have done that a lot many times. But rarely does it happen when I feel so freaking numb. At this hour I have nothing beautiful and wonderful in life, to share with anyone. In fact, just a few moments ago I was thinking how it would feel to be in a hole. By hole, I mean to say the hole they keep talking about in the prison jails, and showing in the Hollywood movies. Do we ever try to actually feel such things as been holed up in just a small dark room with no light, no music, no books, no talks, no chit-chat, no noise and most of all no space to even maneuver your legs? And to keep you alive in the misery and suffer, on the platter there’s some filthy food and stinking water to drink. What would you do in such conditions? Would you be rendered capable to think?. If yes, what would you think?. Would you think about your past, cherish the wonderful moments you lived and bring a smile to your filthy face or would you think of the terrible sins you have done, the pain you have caused to the innocent sentiments, horrible things you have said in anger, people you have cheated, games you have played. Or would you just lie down cursing everything, every moment and every one in this world and venting out your anguish banging the walls with feet, trying to spread out a little. Or would you lie cursing, persuading and then begging fait or destiny or whatever sh*t to intervene for a little time, a little space. How would it be when your closed from the outside world and physically stretched to your limits? When you shriek out loud but theres no one to hear the cry. Left to listen only your own murmurs.

You don’t have to go to the hole to experience the numbness. A little of that you can feel lying on the bed, when there is so much noise in your head. The body keeps twisting and curling as if the mind has run freaking amok, incapacitated to give any single freaking instruction to control the senses. Whatever comforts be around it just won’t shut the system down and let you relax in peace. There’s craving for an external stimuli to make you f**king move to something somewhere, someplace. The muscles in the legs feel so unbearably uncomfortable, with the cramps that develop out of no where. Eyes keep burning for lack of sleep. The brain says-fcuk sleep, but something inside just wouldn’t relent to the command. An overarching urgency to quench your thirst, a desperation to fill the void with something. Something you seek from some place but down under inside, you know there is nothing to be found. There is no ultimate truth to be found. There is not hidden treasure of knowledge. You’ve spend your whole life seeking the knowledge of truth and all you could discover is death as the only certain reality. Before even you could find your so called fcuking purpose in life, you forsee the end of it, the clear futility of everything. The emptiness engulfs your mind. That’s what they meant, when they told, every action of yours is such a sheer waste of your precious little time, meaningless. The dawn of that factual reality is what would throw’s you rushing to the bottom less pit of numbness. Numb, you find you are so so so very betrayed and fooled in the world. And guess what, sadly you are going to serve this irrational, stupid, crude world and play the game all along.

With this harsh cruel realization you just stand up rush out early in the morning, trying to run from yourself. Alone you take a walk in the boulevard, lined with maple trees and the yellow leaves spread ahead of you. The river smilingly rushes besides. The burning eyes soothed with the site of sparkling river. You hear crackling of dried leaves under your feet, as if the nature whispering to you-there’s much more to the web of life, the mystery you seek to solve is not life, but its something between you and me. The cool breeze cleanses every inch of choked lungs with life. Willowing winds come with a distant laughter echoing the voices which said, you wanted to plant your garden and decorate your soul. The wind combing your hairs with its softness, swirls around like your lover, caressing your back, kissing on your neck and whispers with its warm breath, your quest is not for knowledge but for beauty, my beauty!. With your hands dug in your pocket, you walk along with her- Smile and then you both roar with silly laughter. Just like the first time you looked into her glittering deep eyes and smiled for unknown reason. All along your craved to absorb all its beauty finally you loose yourself in it. That’s when the shrieking cry submits to the mighty silence. You find solace in your dark hole and force a whistle to a song.

A day after I-day

Do you know how many years of independence have we celebrated yesterday?. I do not know. And as of now in the night I have not bothered to do the reverse calculation, mostly because I do not like the date and time calculations. I have never bothered much for both-date and time. And have regretted that badly. But habits don’t die easily.

But, how many of us have read the celebrated “Tryst with destiny”?. At the stroke of midnight on 15^th August, 2006, I, for some reason feel elated to announce that I read it, then downloaded and listened to it. Having said that, I feel every one should go through it once. Even the very pessimistic and cynical will feel proud that at the stroke of midnight the nation had a leader with vision and motivation for a better world and could instill faith.

For some reason, I have always celebrated I-day. But its not that I have sporadic burst of patriotism on the very day, its just that I can really really feel the connotation of the word Independence and freedom chiming inside me. In my opinion, mostly everyone celebrates the idea that comes with freedom and liberty. As a free independent person, you get to do a lot of things you otherwise can’t ( and thats an awesome temptation). That’s the bottom line. And, I don’t think apart for the few remaining freedom fighters and veterans of the pre-independence era gathers the image of English leaving the country. That would be unrealistic. For me Independence day conjures of image of me standing alone at the peak of hill on a beach of white sand, a radiant sun shining over the blue sea, wind blowing through my hairs, engulfed in the vastness of the mystical horizon. Free from filthy world, politics, religion and boundaries. Mostly like the soul celebrating freedom from fear and doubt. Even if its for a day or a moment. On the side lines my opinion is that the most important independence is that from fear and doubt. If you have not better purpose in life, you can spend your life time struggling for the liberation of your soul.

Also, for some reason I do not know, but I-day has always been a more relaxed and joyous compared to any other celebration even my unfortunate birth day. Last year, the cute friend was not in town and my naughty self had a gala time. This year it has been with some difference. With certain promising signals which I perceive to a little extent are signs of better things to come. A friend against lot of odds, graduated, ready to take on an adventurous journey with eyes shining and my naughty self stands smiling and hopes she does well. We had these Brahma-kamals blooming at our house at the dawn of midnight. These are plants the flowers of which blossom at the midnight at brahm-muhurt and once in 6 years. A dawn complemented with flowers and fragrance. I stood silently for National Anthem in the theater prior to the movie KANK. Karan Johar has tried to deviate from the stereotype movies the production house is known for delivering. Though still with the characterstic colorful glamour. Whatever thats again a manifestation of changing times. And while I was driving down the long stretch of pot-holed road, I saw the MSRDC sign read “ Please bear with us for this monsoon”. It either sounds like a humble request and a quite sorry or it could be a blatant lie. But lets be optimistic. Atleast they are asking for a chance and every one deserves a second chance. After all this, there was hope and smiles and the realization of a wonderful holiday. And before the celebration has ended – Govinda Ala re...govinda ala. Its such a fun in being rawdy and naughty. A celebration of freedom.

Adios

Hazy dreams

Laying on the silky bed
Head held in hands
Went back in the blissful cocoon
I, Sink into its softness
Wondering, how could time come soon?

The light pouring from pinholes
a screeching guitar in the sky
And, I had once thought
Of coming out like a butterfly.

A nursery prayer rhyme
Caught between a filthy world
And a beautiful life
In the roaring silence
That’s where thy place lies.

Trapped in the hollowed eyes
Still lays that beautiful child
Dreams of flight in dark clouds
Afloat on shimmering moon light

A rolling coin in time....

Hazaron Khwaishein Aisi

Ki Haar Khwaish Par Dam Nikale

Bahut Nikle Mere Armaan

Fir Bhi Kam Nikale

I tossed it and lifes now a rolling coin in time. A long waiting.

The cute little friend said, “Jurm Chabuk Ki nishani se nahin pehchane jate.”

Its raining you know. And its so wonderful. Apart from this the funny part is I’ve become so pathetic that I have to rely on weather to save me.

Save me. Save me from the world. Hide in time and space. – That’s the kind of shit rain brings with it apart from the wetness. J.

Sawan ka mahina

pawan kare shor.

Jiaaare jhume aise. – Crap.

What you have is learning to fly and its playing in sky. And that’s when you know – you are fucked for life.

Did I say- fucked for life?. Jesus ! Lord, they want to tell, its me, who’s twisted?.

How audacious!. Why do I even bother. A piece of advice -look at youself, honestly.

All that we needed was right
The threshhold is breaking tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

That’s when you walk naked in front of the mirror. Ever seen a naked soul?. Tried to live every single moment of life and heres the moment where whole life passed by. Every one, everything, a fleeting second and you want to hold on to it so bad, so close to you and yet it does not matter.

Ahh, the laughter!. Wish you were here. Wish no one was here. Wish nothing was here. But thennn huff, you know, that laughter was so sweet. Keeps coming back. And some times you only give-a honest-smile to it.

Move on- is the logic, bro.

But damn it – Where?. Moved enough !.

Run on bro. Please. You are behind. Its for your own good.

Fuck you.

Angry. Didn’t mean to upset you.

No. Leave.

Its raining again.

Hide then!

No. She is coming for me. Please leave. Yeah, she’s coming for me-coming with all that I need and with all that is mine. And she is so beautiful.

Take it easy bro.

Long time man, I felt so complete.

Look!. He’s so much at peace. Not a care in the world. I was like that once. She’s bringing “me” back among the other things. And then not to mention, she herself is such a charm. She’s come for me. Waiting for the day she’ll take me along with her.

Analyze this

Everythings physics. Here is something that I was going through after a long time and surprisingly I can see things in a different prespective. Nothing much just a little effort to find my postion in time and space.

" There are certain combinations of axially loaded members in which the equations of static equilibrium are not sufficient for a solution. This condition exists in structures where the reactive forces or the internal resisting forces over a cross section exceed the number of independent equations of equilibrium. Such cases are called statically indeterminate and require the use of additional relations that depend on the elastic deformations in the members. "

Not much but I've got a hunch I am thinking in right direction.

Adios.
Ankur