I like the word Fcuk.

"non sunt in coeli, quia fvccant vvivys of heli"

I mean don't take it literally, its just the feel of it, the connotation that comes along with, so to say. I guess, like me, most people do not intend to convey the literal meaning whenever this horrible slang is used. And on the side lines, lets give the due credit to the popularity of the defamed word like it. The many versions, meanings and literal expression s of this word are undeniably present in almost all societies, cultures and languages- and if its not there then surely that society is not bound to exists. Does it not mean that its an important blunt truth of human nature ?And still we turn a blind eye to the universality and omnipresence of this poor soul. On one hand I even feel that why these words are called " slang's ", I mean put them in the dictionary folks, have some logic, if you don't have that, have a heart guys, theres a limit to the " beeps" and mute s sound s in the movies, I can bear. I mean the hero comes howling across seven shores and grabs the neck of villain and say, " You twisted - tun . tun- you." . Or like in a romantic scene in a hollywood flick, " oh honey, my baby, I so want to -tun- you". And you feel like any second your brain will split wide open.Why can't people see the clear futility of censorship ?

There are many words in this category - Shit and likes. But I must say I like this word Fcuk. I mean, its- good. The feel of it. The versaility of it is suprisingly amazing. The simplicity in usage with proper pronouciation makes it so user friendly in all situations. When you are like pissed off on something , you can scream Fcukkk. Sometimes, just like that you are sitting idle, no one around, thinking about something , out of no where, you might use it - Fcuk You. Emphasising each seperately and distinctly - Fcuk and then slowly You. And like you hear a tragic sad shocking news and you gather all the little energy in your voice and utter a meek - Fcuk . That-is-it. You convey your deepest, sentiments, feeling of loss and despair very clearly.

And like sometimes, you are driving car at 100 miles per hour, recollecting some embarrassing moment in past, a bitter burning memory, a beautiful past degraded and soiled by todays values and you shriek out so loud exhaling every thing ...FCUKKKKKK. Its does not come from your heart or brain , it s like straight frm the bottom of your guts, and out of now where you bang the car right ahead. This aggressive guy jolts out of the car looks at the bonnet and then at you , starts mouthing of , boasting and blabbering and you listen and listen and listen to the pompous bastard and after a while you can feel the agony surging in the guts, mind getting heavy, loaded, fatigued and blank ..and you shriek - FCUK YOU MAN. AND SMACK HIS FILTHY FACE. Relived. Like bloody gallons of pressurised air purged out from a tiny orifice. Peace. Now you following me. Tell me no where do you use the word to convey with a literal meaning. Rarely, rarely do you mean what you say. I most things in life I think thats true. There is a miles of difference in preaching and practising. :). So stop the fcuk lessons. I guess we should stop fcuking fooling around and lets stop pretending what we are not.

Also , I have noticed, for most youngersters and wanna be rebels, the usage of this mighty word starts like a style statement. But you got to understand the veiled glory of it. Now you know, my opinon , respect and affection for this word, but still I cannot use it in it s original form while I write this blog. Whyyyy ??? Because some moron in power, some or some good-for-nothing freaking CEO or MP or some one would not approve of it in public space. And at worst would censor blog and file a case against me! Which, of course, I don't want to happen. Really. Its my blog- it is my expression, it is my voice, I want it heard. I want it heard out loud and clear. So FUCK IT ANY WAYS.

So my lord, here I would like to rest my case and would request the jury to leave this word to its fate and at people discretion. At best I would recommend not to use the word with adjectives and adverbs. And if you don't like it, I don't care, Fuck that too.

Just set things free from your hypocrisy and prejudice.


"they are not in heaven because they fuck the wives of Ely"

P.S : I have not mentioned the usage of word "literally" in private space as in my opinion private space should remain private. On the other hand, the apporopriate use of this word in the personal domain has heightened excitement levels or so I was told. The author would not bear the responcibilites of goof-up by usage of this word.

Sometimes you just don't have anything to fight for.

Faeen Mornin fellas ....u naw wy tis faeen?

Rocky Balboa: "What is it you said to the kid? The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very rough, mean place... and no matter how tough you think you are, it'll always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently... if you let it. You or nobody ain't never gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit... it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit. "

Nick Cave:
you roll me at your sides
you shot me down
Though I had no enemy here
you get me very near and shoot me down
shoot me down
your hands they flutter up
-?-
and shoot me down... in flames

Stand back baby, stand back and let me breathe
I think I must be filin' outta here
I can hear the grass grow
I can hear the melting snow
I can feel your breath against my ear
I might just disappear
Yeah, wouldn't that be nice?
Yeah, wouldn't that be nice?
Well, wouldn't that be nice?

I look into your eyes
it comes as no great surprise
you're gonna shoot me down
shoot me down
I know that when you smile
it'll only be a short little while
Shoot me down... in flames

Shoot me down
in flames....
you're gonna shoot me down
shoot me down
shoot me down in flames
shoot me down in flames

Copyright infringement ! ...Shoot me down.

Dich.kyaun.

I always wanted to quit....

On a Monday morning. Since That turned out to be a holiday. I quite on a Tuesday morning. But I have quit. The worrying part is I am developing this habit of quitting, that too important things in life.

And while I was having a sort of exit interview, as general discourse- the boss said, “ See, one either has to do things you like, or one has to like what he’s doing. That’s the funda in life. “ I was like ohh yeah. Fcuking great quote. But you ain’t G.B Shaw, bro. But I don’t know, for some reason the opening and closing lines of a movie came to my mind. May be I have been watching it over so many times that like a dark soot it has settled on my conscious. Or may be that I think those are very close to truth of a pedestrian life .

Opening lines ( Back ground Chris Barris ).

“ When you’re young your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be great. You might be Einstein. You might be De Maggio. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren’t Einstein. You weren’t any thing. That’s a bad moment. But I remembered something Carlyle wrote: “ ..there is no life of a man, faithfully recorded, but is a heroic poem of its sort, rhymed or unrhymed.” I realize my salvation might be in recording my wasted life, unflinchingly. May be it would serve as a cautionary tale. May be it would help me understand why?.

I too strongly believe the way my life is taking its course and if I’ll be recording it unflinchingly, it would be exactly that cautionary tale. I mean life mostly is like multiple choice question. Observe a few lives ( I can recommend a few ), you would not find right answer, but surely you can eliminate wrong options. And after all, solving multiple choice questions in a limited time requires more of elimination than finding the right answers. Having said that I must say, there are still a few blokes who would still experiment and learn it all the hard way. Sad !. But without them its not much fun right?.

Closing lines

“You know, I came up with a new game show idea recently. It’s called The Old Game Show. You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn’t blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator. “

And here lies the gifted divine human virtue of hope. I kow a lot of people who would still fight dearly to win that refrigerator. People would miss out on so many little wonderful things, just to perform on their judgement day. Sometimes, people are so over-zealous as to the point of madness for seemingly trivial achievements. Its kind a funny. But I don’t know, feels like I want to wreck such peoples face.

I really think I do not gel into Darwins Theory. And I’ve found a new purpose in life. I want to be the advocate of the unfit. :)

P.S Quiz time for the curious minds. Do I regret my decision? Well no. Do I have any reasons, well, I’ve not started recording my life. :) Is my view one of pessimism? That reminds me of another line from the same movie:
“ Listen you are thirty two years old and you’ve achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive by thrity-three. Better get cracking”. So the good news is, I’ve got a few more years to go. J. I am not pessimistic, but I am human ( yes I am ) in flesh and blood and meri bhi fat-ti hai.

Tell me which movie am i quoting ? :)

Adios.

Fading murmurs from the hole

Location: Promised land

Time: 2.00 a.m

Its not that I am not used to be awake this late. I have done that a lot many times. But rarely does it happen when I feel so freaking numb. At this hour I have nothing beautiful and wonderful in life, to share with anyone. In fact, just a few moments ago I was thinking how it would feel to be in a hole. By hole, I mean to say the hole they keep talking about in the prison jails, and showing in the Hollywood movies. Do we ever try to actually feel such things as been holed up in just a small dark room with no light, no music, no books, no talks, no chit-chat, no noise and most of all no space to even maneuver your legs? And to keep you alive in the misery and suffer, on the platter there’s some filthy food and stinking water to drink. What would you do in such conditions? Would you be rendered capable to think?. If yes, what would you think?. Would you think about your past, cherish the wonderful moments you lived and bring a smile to your filthy face or would you think of the terrible sins you have done, the pain you have caused to the innocent sentiments, horrible things you have said in anger, people you have cheated, games you have played. Or would you just lie down cursing everything, every moment and every one in this world and venting out your anguish banging the walls with feet, trying to spread out a little. Or would you lie cursing, persuading and then begging fait or destiny or whatever sh*t to intervene for a little time, a little space. How would it be when your closed from the outside world and physically stretched to your limits? When you shriek out loud but theres no one to hear the cry. Left to listen only your own murmurs.

You don’t have to go to the hole to experience the numbness. A little of that you can feel lying on the bed, when there is so much noise in your head. The body keeps twisting and curling as if the mind has run freaking amok, incapacitated to give any single freaking instruction to control the senses. Whatever comforts be around it just won’t shut the system down and let you relax in peace. There’s craving for an external stimuli to make you f**king move to something somewhere, someplace. The muscles in the legs feel so unbearably uncomfortable, with the cramps that develop out of no where. Eyes keep burning for lack of sleep. The brain says-fcuk sleep, but something inside just wouldn’t relent to the command. An overarching urgency to quench your thirst, a desperation to fill the void with something. Something you seek from some place but down under inside, you know there is nothing to be found. There is no ultimate truth to be found. There is not hidden treasure of knowledge. You’ve spend your whole life seeking the knowledge of truth and all you could discover is death as the only certain reality. Before even you could find your so called fcuking purpose in life, you forsee the end of it, the clear futility of everything. The emptiness engulfs your mind. That’s what they meant, when they told, every action of yours is such a sheer waste of your precious little time, meaningless. The dawn of that factual reality is what would throw’s you rushing to the bottom less pit of numbness. Numb, you find you are so so so very betrayed and fooled in the world. And guess what, sadly you are going to serve this irrational, stupid, crude world and play the game all along.

With this harsh cruel realization you just stand up rush out early in the morning, trying to run from yourself. Alone you take a walk in the boulevard, lined with maple trees and the yellow leaves spread ahead of you. The river smilingly rushes besides. The burning eyes soothed with the site of sparkling river. You hear crackling of dried leaves under your feet, as if the nature whispering to you-there’s much more to the web of life, the mystery you seek to solve is not life, but its something between you and me. The cool breeze cleanses every inch of choked lungs with life. Willowing winds come with a distant laughter echoing the voices which said, you wanted to plant your garden and decorate your soul. The wind combing your hairs with its softness, swirls around like your lover, caressing your back, kissing on your neck and whispers with its warm breath, your quest is not for knowledge but for beauty, my beauty!. With your hands dug in your pocket, you walk along with her- Smile and then you both roar with silly laughter. Just like the first time you looked into her glittering deep eyes and smiled for unknown reason. All along your craved to absorb all its beauty finally you loose yourself in it. That’s when the shrieking cry submits to the mighty silence. You find solace in your dark hole and force a whistle to a song.

A day after I-day

Do you know how many years of independence have we celebrated yesterday?. I do not know. And as of now in the night I have not bothered to do the reverse calculation, mostly because I do not like the date and time calculations. I have never bothered much for both-date and time. And have regretted that badly. But habits don’t die easily.

But, how many of us have read the celebrated “Tryst with destiny”?. At the stroke of midnight on 15^th August, 2006, I, for some reason feel elated to announce that I read it, then downloaded and listened to it. Having said that, I feel every one should go through it once. Even the very pessimistic and cynical will feel proud that at the stroke of midnight the nation had a leader with vision and motivation for a better world and could instill faith.

For some reason, I have always celebrated I-day. But its not that I have sporadic burst of patriotism on the very day, its just that I can really really feel the connotation of the word Independence and freedom chiming inside me. In my opinion, mostly everyone celebrates the idea that comes with freedom and liberty. As a free independent person, you get to do a lot of things you otherwise can’t ( and thats an awesome temptation). That’s the bottom line. And, I don’t think apart for the few remaining freedom fighters and veterans of the pre-independence era gathers the image of English leaving the country. That would be unrealistic. For me Independence day conjures of image of me standing alone at the peak of hill on a beach of white sand, a radiant sun shining over the blue sea, wind blowing through my hairs, engulfed in the vastness of the mystical horizon. Free from filthy world, politics, religion and boundaries. Mostly like the soul celebrating freedom from fear and doubt. Even if its for a day or a moment. On the side lines my opinion is that the most important independence is that from fear and doubt. If you have not better purpose in life, you can spend your life time struggling for the liberation of your soul.

Also, for some reason I do not know, but I-day has always been a more relaxed and joyous compared to any other celebration even my unfortunate birth day. Last year, the cute friend was not in town and my naughty self had a gala time. This year it has been with some difference. With certain promising signals which I perceive to a little extent are signs of better things to come. A friend against lot of odds, graduated, ready to take on an adventurous journey with eyes shining and my naughty self stands smiling and hopes she does well. We had these Brahma-kamals blooming at our house at the dawn of midnight. These are plants the flowers of which blossom at the midnight at brahm-muhurt and once in 6 years. A dawn complemented with flowers and fragrance. I stood silently for National Anthem in the theater prior to the movie KANK. Karan Johar has tried to deviate from the stereotype movies the production house is known for delivering. Though still with the characterstic colorful glamour. Whatever thats again a manifestation of changing times. And while I was driving down the long stretch of pot-holed road, I saw the MSRDC sign read “ Please bear with us for this monsoon”. It either sounds like a humble request and a quite sorry or it could be a blatant lie. But lets be optimistic. Atleast they are asking for a chance and every one deserves a second chance. After all this, there was hope and smiles and the realization of a wonderful holiday. And before the celebration has ended – Govinda Ala re...govinda ala. Its such a fun in being rawdy and naughty. A celebration of freedom.

Adios

Hazy dreams

Laying on the silky bed
Head held in hands
Went back in the blissful cocoon
I, Sink into its softness
Wondering, how could time come soon?

The light pouring from pinholes
a screeching guitar in the sky
And, I had once thought
Of coming out like a butterfly.

A nursery prayer rhyme
Caught between a filthy world
And a beautiful life
In the roaring silence
That’s where thy place lies.

Trapped in the hollowed eyes
Still lays that beautiful child
Dreams of flight in dark clouds
Afloat on shimmering moon light

A rolling coin in time....

Hazaron Khwaishein Aisi

Ki Haar Khwaish Par Dam Nikale

Bahut Nikle Mere Armaan

Fir Bhi Kam Nikale

I tossed it and lifes now a rolling coin in time. A long waiting.

The cute little friend said, “Jurm Chabuk Ki nishani se nahin pehchane jate.”

Its raining you know. And its so wonderful. Apart from this the funny part is I’ve become so pathetic that I have to rely on weather to save me.

Save me. Save me from the world. Hide in time and space. – That’s the kind of shit rain brings with it apart from the wetness. J.

Sawan ka mahina

pawan kare shor.

Jiaaare jhume aise. – Crap.

What you have is learning to fly and its playing in sky. And that’s when you know – you are fucked for life.

Did I say- fucked for life?. Jesus ! Lord, they want to tell, its me, who’s twisted?.

How audacious!. Why do I even bother. A piece of advice -look at youself, honestly.

All that we needed was right
The threshhold is breaking tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

That’s when you walk naked in front of the mirror. Ever seen a naked soul?. Tried to live every single moment of life and heres the moment where whole life passed by. Every one, everything, a fleeting second and you want to hold on to it so bad, so close to you and yet it does not matter.

Ahh, the laughter!. Wish you were here. Wish no one was here. Wish nothing was here. But thennn huff, you know, that laughter was so sweet. Keeps coming back. And some times you only give-a honest-smile to it.

Move on- is the logic, bro.

But damn it – Where?. Moved enough !.

Run on bro. Please. You are behind. Its for your own good.

Fuck you.

Angry. Didn’t mean to upset you.

No. Leave.

Its raining again.

Hide then!

No. She is coming for me. Please leave. Yeah, she’s coming for me-coming with all that I need and with all that is mine. And she is so beautiful.

Take it easy bro.

Long time man, I felt so complete.

Look!. He’s so much at peace. Not a care in the world. I was like that once. She’s bringing “me” back among the other things. And then not to mention, she herself is such a charm. She’s come for me. Waiting for the day she’ll take me along with her.

Analyze this

Everythings physics. Here is something that I was going through after a long time and surprisingly I can see things in a different prespective. Nothing much just a little effort to find my postion in time and space.

" There are certain combinations of axially loaded members in which the equations of static equilibrium are not sufficient for a solution. This condition exists in structures where the reactive forces or the internal resisting forces over a cross section exceed the number of independent equations of equilibrium. Such cases are called statically indeterminate and require the use of additional relations that depend on the elastic deformations in the members. "

Not much but I've got a hunch I am thinking in right direction.

Adios.
Ankur

While I was talking...

Suddenly I felt that some how I am drained of subjects to talk on to. Knowing my nature I can say that I was never talkative but I used to talk. Now, I do not even feel like it. Reasons are varied for this behavior, but, I reassure myself just like on most things in life- shit happens and forget it. But then the problem with reasonable men is that they keep finding reasons, mostly for trivial things in life. The conversation these days drifts something like this.

Me: “ hi boss how are you doing ?

Friend: “ Nothing yaar, bas chal raha hai, aur tu bata ..”

Me : « Kuch khas nahin, bas kat rahi hai «

Friend : « Aur kisi se baat hui ? “

Me: “ Nahin re… kafi din ho gaye “

Friend : “ Naukri chakri kaise chal rahi hai “

Me: “ Bass jab tak hai tab tak hai …bore ho gaya hun .. need some change….tu bata tera kya ? “

Friend : “ Kuch khas nahin .. college ki fees bhar di hai ..joining ka wait kar raha hu n… aur tu bol “

Me: “ Kuch nahin …aur bata “

Friend : “ Kuch nahin yaar pak gaya hun …tu bol “

Me; “ Koi movie shovie dekhi …”

Friend : Nahin yaar…wahi sab ..repeat kar raha hun …chod tu bol tune ?

Me: “ nahin yaar, crash dekhi ti …achi hai ..nice one..worth it ..tu dekh le aur bol…”

Friend: “ Aur daru pani … ? “ . ( This is the only question where we have that resonating frequencies. )

Me ( joyously ): “ First class… tu bol . “

Silence

Friend: “ kuch nahin , tu bata “

Me: “ Kuch bhi nahin yaar…chal fir mein phone karta hun ..fir ..theek hai “

This conversation would be like for 15 minutes with teeny-weeny bit intermingled with certain gender issues, personal problems, privacy issues, garnished with the Indian abuses. But rest assured, the heart and soul are with good intentions, clean, clear, honest and dead.

The fact is sometimes I feel like that old man on the bar stool playing with his glass of rum and sitting silently. Numb.

Apart from the realization that I am no longer social animal, the amusing thing is that the people whom I am acquainted are not social animals too, but animals they are. But I must admit once in a while, you watch the cute friend talking to another cutie, you feel like talking, socializing, getting to know each other, that kind of stuff. And suddenly, you have smile. Ah, happiness !. But don’t be too expressive in front of cute friend, or else, you talk, she listens and then only she does the talking and you do the listening.

At the end of the day, all I learn is that there are some people have an eye for trouble and will trespass the prohibited zone at any given opportunity, the best thing for them is to remain silent. You engage in discussions, make mistakes and blow your cover. So as for me I take comfort in the fact that anonymity is a great strength. And while mostly silence is deafening sometimes its just pure bliss.

Conversation With God

No doubt technology has brought such a drastic change in our lives, a great culmination of ideas, creativity, cultures and lives. Look at blogging- irrespective or writing or reading them, the whole idea is so fulfilling and enriching. The whole of Internet is so much fun. I read a lot of blogs some known and unknown, related or unrelated without any prejudice like a fool and like its so overwhelming reading about social, political, cultural, some like daily diaries to some with mundane abstracts. Like an turbulent river over so many different lives. Like the web and network so much seemingly routine and stable but you can peep and look at so much chaos. One can share the focused ideas, the bubbling creative, the dark emotions and the maddening abstracts.

All of this is like watching a movie. We get involved in little ways in a few lives daily. And we must appreciate god must be working so hard on watching so many different movies getting played for him. I am sure, he cheers, cries and laughs with you (and mostly over you). And I know he sits, watches all our lives and seemingly does nothing about it. Often I feel angry about it. But to share the truth with you, I don't mind he not doing any thing about it, he is a good guy, a good friend and every one has short comings. I had a little chit-chat with him today morning, and as I recollect, he told me, "what should I do, I have been doing this for ages, there are so many of you and now I am really bored of this. I am no longer interested in this work, I want to change my job profile and tell me do you like your assigned work? No one does, - so chill, relax." So I asked, "Assigned task?. And I had squarely put it back to him. I told him, the whole damn problem in the world was no body knew what they are supposed to be doing, there was no clarity of goal, every one was seeking their purpose!. So he annoyingly lamented, "What purpose, what goals? hogwash. Why can't you all stop eluding yourself under the pretext of higher morals and purpose and all? If you guys could just live simple, honest, and go about with routine doing your work, and I could retire, but NO, you come here, forget your work and whine about it all the time, why don't you speak up when you are supposed too !. ". Suddenly he diverted to t.v he said, "Look, there has be an unfortunate incidence at Bombay fashion week!. See some one did not do his job properly, damn!, let me just monitor what happened! ". And he played and replayed. I intervened and asked, " But, you could have stopped it and you could have done so many things, after all you know the future ". Without looking at me, he said , " Listen, I do not know the future, there is no future, what future are we talking about here, my own future is jeopardized, the way rock-stars are shouting god is dead and the way this quota thing is going on soon they'll be talking having reservation for gods and the way you all resent me, I am losing support on the ground itself. I have got my own problems to deal with. Do you care for them?. No. Common, I have written no destinies, my dear, the defining thing is your actions, and I have told it so bloody many times, but still you won't work and look at you, tell me, what are you typing ? What is the sale for this month ? and he smiled and whispered, " I sometimes do not like to be questioned . Do you? "

Suddenly, I heard a voice. " Ankur, why the sales for last few months have been steadily – pathetic ? and what's that you keep typing all the time ? " .

Writing in haze

"There aren’t any sins and there are no virtues, theres only stuff that people do".
And shit happens.

I personally believe that’s the present day reality and one has to live with the fact that- shit happens. Why do I say that? Well you know the reasons and if you don’t, just look around you and if you still can’t, keep reading this blog coz for one time I am going to convince you that you are deep in it.

As I see (and you’ll too someday) the world is governed by three forces- Power, Money and Sex. (I think Sigmund Freud was so obsessed with sex that he overlooked power and money). Also, going by the strength of these forces, I think Power and Money are far influential both qualitatively and quantitatively than sex. Once you hold power and/or money the third force comes into play like a natural or a forced draft and lets not feel ashamed about it- it’s been there since the dawn of the world. But then if you look at all these forces under microscope you’ll a common phenomenon underlying all the activity. And that is politics. And behold you have got the string theory.

Anyways, be it your admission to nursery school or to college (or be it your expulsion), in office, in your residential society, in soap operas, be it your marriage, in love triangles and polygons, in religious institutions, be it genocides on streets or in your bed- politics is all around you and inside you. You play it all along, day in and day out, you know why, because, every body wants to rule the world. Every body wants to screw the world-its way.

And you know what, after a while you get so fed up of it all around, so drained and somber playing the games. You start to see the clear futility of every single thing around you. But then rationality dawns upon you, the fact that, you don’t have much of a room in this world to avoid it. You get enlightened and accept the fact to the core of your heart- Shit happens. You smile and just like the day out of high school you went chupte-chupate and bought a ticket for that C-grade “Chameli ki suhagraat” and watch the movie – hoping for your purpose to be resolved and suddenly twenty minutes down your heart tell s the truth “kuch nahin hai yaar, kuch nahin hone wala hai!“ and you loose hope. But then you resolve to have fun while you are there. So you sit and, suddenly its all funny and you enjoy and watch the whole show till the end.

So, just lay back, and let the drama unfold. Enjoy the orgy going all around you. And if you are with apprehensions about morals, ethics and all, trust me, its not by choice that you came to the witness this show, it was your freaking destiny. And satisfaction was never guaranteed. Should I tell you what to do?.

It’s a long drawn battle, so just pull up your zippers.

P.S: I am freaking upset! . The post was meant for the launch of my new blog- Poli-tickling. I wanted to write something serious and positive and contribute my bit. But Shit happens.
Anyways , welcome to http://politickling.blogspot.com. Where we shall tickle with politics in day to day lives.

So they ask - whats up ?

Dad: “Ankur, wake up ! . How much do you sleep ! . Get up .
Me: I slept late that’s why ?

Boss; “ You are twenty minutes late ! “
Me: Sir, actually my parents were discussing the prospects of my marriage.

Me: Hi , good morning , how are you ?
She: Morning…tell me why are you calling up so late ? You are late for every thing, why can’t for once you call on time for god sake.
Me: Oh …I am sorry, I was little busy.
She: Bla bla … Any ways, forget it, I love you, how are you by the way ?
Me: Hoof…, I love you to honey…I am fine….ok take care.
She: What ! You want to hang up !
Me: No actually..its just that.. I am little tied…
Click. Beep Beep.

Dad: Why do you come late from the office, every day. You have some sense of family responsibility ?
Me: Aaa….its just that coz, I began late, I finished late.
Dad: This routine will continue if you remain bachelor, I am telling you its high time….
Me: Comfortably Numb.


Life is a circus. Oh, I am sorry, I should not generalize- my life is a circus.Its like you swinging in the air, jump hold on another guy, than he realizes you and you go catch another female she holds you then she swings you and it goes on. And its only a matter of time before you have that mighty fall. And by the way, if you think your life is not a circus then I must admit- you are the finest joker I have come across.

Pistaul Jail Mein Aaa Chuka Hai...

As promised to the gentry who visit this site...I am glad to present...

http://www.centaur.textamerica.com

:) as promised.

More to come..

Adios
Ankur

P.S: A part of the photo blog deserves to an unsung hero, thanks to the model. And there are moments treasured close to the heart but not been published for certain reasons, but they shall follow.

Thats me in the corner...losing..

Shine on your crazy diamond!

A Clear glass of water

Isn’t it a wonder that often its just transparent, odourless, tasteless but pure water that tastes so wonderfully sweet, quenching all the thirst, assuaging all the desires, relaxing all the evils, clearing all the doubts and yet energizes you to move on. And no matter how well prepared and blended that brilliantly shining, luxuriously sweet sherbet is, no matter how ornately presented, it just, does not do that magic. All it reflects is shallowness, with no depth, and seems so miserably helpless to fill that hollowness within and incapable in satiating your lust. Imagine that clear water out of the spring, gushing over the stones and pebbles and crisply running in that river, even the sight of it soothes ones eyes and makes your heart fill with beauty. And you replace that with any other beverage (be it bloody scotch) it just doesn’t fit, nothing takes its place.

And some times it just so happens that all you want is water to quell your thirst, absolve yourself, all you crave for is solitude- some time for yourself and peace from this maddening crowd and all you are served is a cola drink. And staring right on that drink, then looking around watching all those blinded around you, you feel so shallow, in complete, fatigued, so bland.

But then you sip it anyways, walk away and walk down the street, under the sun, whistling your favorite song, losing yourself in the crowd. And walking under the scorching sun, sweating you realize, even the perspiration feels so good on you, so close to your heart and so much your own and you find peace in the crowd, your solitude and love. Then you imagine, imagine the clouds over you, the cool breeze blowing on face, look above, it comes splashing on your face, on your eyes, engulfing you in natures beauty, washing your tears, absolving your sins, melting you in nature, freeing your mind and liberating your soul.

All the time, you beseech your pure water.

P.S: Although early, I am now eager for the monsoons to arrive. Get clean and start afresh.

Adios

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

There are two kind of people in this world:
First are those who follow me,
Second, who do not follow me and go to hell.

P.S: Things will not remain the way they are.

Adios,
Ankur

Pigeons behind the billboard

The front of the Bill board carries a beautiful feminine face but behind it I was particularly amazed by the fluttering hundreds of pigeons. Hundred s of them behind the bill board just like a thousand emotions, memories, dreams fluttering and some where in the middle of the crowd a white sparrow with its pristine purity, trying to save the little sanity that is left about this pandemonium.

On Marriage and Love

I am, they say at the ripe age to get married and settled down. Candidly speaking personally I have never given much thought to the idea, I never found any reason to waste my precious time on such trivial subject.  . But, yes, at times the thought creeps in. Repeated persuasions can do the worst of the psychological damages.

As on my marriage all I know, its that internally I am resisting the idea. Logically speaking I am not prepared for it. For one, I am uncertain about my financial stability. Second, I am uncertain about the course of my future (which is because I am uncertain about my purpose and I am looking for something better). Third, I am not sure if I can sustain the burden of responsibilities, expectations and aspirations that come with the relations. Fourth, I do not think that any person will sustain with my eccentricities and vices. Fifth, I think I need time and as such I feel I’ve crossed the ripe age. 

So here in the black and white I can put five valid sound reasons why I am taking a break and deciding as of now against the argument. And if you note, I am uncertain about for all the important things that make up ones life and even a day and I am aware about that fact ! .

And I would appreciate if some one can give me five better reasons for any one to get married. Let me list a few that I get.

The only conspicuous argument that I have found is that one requires a long term partner to give you a shoulder when the ripe age is gone and you are just hanging on waiting for sands of time to wash away your existence (Bingo!), when you are crippled and senile. If that is the reason for which should get into that institution of marriage, I would better opt out (for that matter sometimes “drop out” is an alluring idea). But, picturing the future when you are incapacitated mentally and physically and are ever so lonely is the only strikingly naked truth that which sends butterflies fluttering in my stomach. But, tell me honestly, does this is argument sound appealing to base any of your decisions. Pragmatic it is, but, does it have even a slight pinch of passion. It does not. Here lies a choice and hence the trouble and you know which way I shall sway. And tell me why in gods name do they need a opposite gender bound to you to take care of you. Where will be the friends? (Off course crippled !). But does it not raise the question on the credibility of friendships!.

So is it love?. Here it is the most complex and yet the most interesting of the subjects. All though it is does not take great horse sense discovering that the correlation between marriage and love is not universal especially in India where the gender ratio is disappointingly pathetic. Any ways the question is Love does it exist? In my opinion yes it does. It is a wonderful feeling and those who are loved or are in love are the blessed one. Then the question is – is the how much of it constitutes in a marriage. Arranged marriages as is implied and for all practical reasons do not lay any foundations for marriage. In those it is nurtured later on. As I perceive your choice is too narrow, the decision is mostly based on long-term stability and security of the boy and the girl. For the couples it is driven by desires (-applies to predominately Indian males ), excitement, anxiety and to a little extent dreams, which off course like most things in due course of time get faded and the only residue is mutual responsibilities (good thing), and hidden sufferings to be passed on the progeny.

Do love-marriages constitute any love?. Yeah of course dude! .Then tell me if you were in love, then why marry? Is it because of the social norm- then why did they have this social norm? Was it a guarantee (a society cover how ever weak) against the social vices and insecurities that have crept in. And if at all it was to impose a moral obligation or a deterrent then why was such a deterrent required in first place?- to put it bluntly it was to put a curb on the most profound of human thought process ( for I refuse to put the way – to give stability to society and stuff). Most of all I think it is just a formality which comes with defined roles, freedom and responsibilities. And in the middle of all this pandemonium I think love-marriage is compromise made to assuage the society but nothing wrong with it after all if every ones happy whats wrong?. My point is I do not see any strong causal rational linkage between love and marriage. Still as for love it is a wonderful feeling, exciting and adventurous, you just do not know how deep the rabbit hole goes! ( Will give you a hint it goes to H ) . Still its worth a ride!


Finally, let us find the reason why this institution was ever erected. Eve is the culprit – right answer! and we are all here to suffer so why make another progeny suffer. Why pass on the punishment? As the agent said, Is the only purpose of human kind to spread like virus and consume all the resources?.


Anyways, the only meaningful idea I have found is that-life is a gift given by mother-nature and that this gift should be embraced and taken as it is. Agreed life is a gift and it is beautiful. The fact that remains in the oblivion is that, life in its entirety with all the profound human feelings, good or bad, is a gift and is beautiful if perceived that way. We were all born free and all free men/women/eunuch have their own choice. The only responsibility is do not infringe on other peoples freedom. I have a choice. And with out writing all the hogwash above I could claim, I have made a choice and I will exercise it on my whims and fancies.

I am not afraid lying old, shriveled, sick, tired, lonely and waiting. But I am scared of the pairs of wrinkled wet eyes that can change it all. I am the progeny.

Some one said, “Civilization, after all, is defined by what we forbid, more than what we permit”.

P.S: After a lot of deliberations I can tell you there is no friendship, love, marriage nothing- all you have is compromises, politics, bosses, sick work loaded Monday mornings.
More of the above discourses shall be continued……when I am waiting for the trucks to be loaded and dispatched.
Also, my apologies, if I have hurt the sentiments of any one. And also for people who might get influenced by my ideas- You need to visit a psychiatrist and if you find one giving therapy for free please do tell me.

10 of 50

Kick starting the day. Tried to call up a friend to wake him up and make him study for test. Good intentions but no response ( they seldom get ! ).

Finally in the early hours of morning I decided to go to market and buy myself a hands-free for the mobile. Once in chembur market I realized that I was too early, the shops would open only at 10.00, after wandering around for some time, I saw the shop keeper opening the shutter. Confidently I walked to him and inquired about whether he keeps the corded ear phone for Nokia. I realized the guy was so delighted, he had not even opened the shutter and the customer was knocking on the door. Quickly he lit the agarbati , parnams to Laxmi devi, I asked him , “ How much ? “ . “Rs. 250 only”, he said. Tickling with the wire, with out looking at him, I asked if he accepted Credit Cards. He did not say a word. I asked him again and he just nodded for a no. Reassuringly I asked him wheres the ATM and delighted he guided me to the one close by. Finally I came out of the shop, went to a Panwaddi, had 1 Gold Flake Lights, 4 Halls and 1 Rajnigandha Pan massala, shelling out 10 of 50 bucks in my pocket-the only 50 bucks I have in pocket, in bank and with friends also and like a king walked to the car and drove for work. I realized that’s what I have been rated in life 10 of 50, that s what are the odds in favor of me, that’s what my life is 10 of 50 !



P.S : Later in the night I watched Matchstick Men. A must see Con movie. The o Con movie that drags you so close to humane feelings and within fleeting seconds hits you where it hurts the most and reminds you of the truth- You have to reap what you have sown.

Adios.

Targets 2006

Originally ,I had planned to compile my targets and wishes for the next new year before this day, but as usual I am doing it at the last moment. I wanted to put some mind into it, but still, chalta hai. So lets get over with this is also.

Quarter I:

1. Savings 20 K, at least.
2. Concentrate on job.
3. Learning a lot more on photography and will try to take some exotic pictures . Put your dirty minds to rest. Something like early morning driving to Churchgate or priyadarshani park, or just to see the pretty females with flowers on their way to Mahim Church and hope that one of them shows me the way to laundry. Ahhhh..
4. Start exercising. I need it desperately. ( Even the cute friend is frowning on my paunch ) Hmm. Target reduce 5 kgs.
5. Seriously contemplating to join guitar class or some language class.
6. Lot many blogs to be posted.
7. Small vacation break to – either of three- Goa, Kerela, Kashmir. Any one interested do call me.

First quarter as an whole I foresee a lot of excitement and activities.

Quarter II.

1. Join either guitar class / language class. This should be a must. The whole thing has been in abeyance for quite some time, now.
2. Buy an iPOD
3. Savings to touch 50k.

Quarter III:

1. Quit the job.
2. Focus on CAT.

Quarter IV.

1. Buy a Laptop.
2. Chirstmas and new year break will definitely be out side Mumbai. Some place, some where beautiful.

All these to be reviewed on a quarterly basis of course, and also please note the plans are subject to changes at the owners discretion ( which is based on two variables of money and time ) . But any how I shall try to stick to the KRA as above. And make the new year as interesting as possible. And trust me many surprises shall follow ( I see the eyebrows rise. Its such a teasing thing- the surprise !! ) . May god be with me.

Touché

Wishing all Happy New Year

Rise and shine and welcome brand new year. Some will welcome it waking up pie-eyed and some with a fresh mind and heart. I am the unlucky one who is going to welcome the year waking up early and fresh .

I did not party yesterday night. After a long time, away from the howling crowd, dancing and partying over my head, I spent my new year in my small room trying to connect the net ( which of course did not connect ) and then sleeping. Not very exciting but I am just trying to find the silver lining.

No matter about the kind of celebration. I see this year as very important for a many of us. First, two of our colleagues are going to finish their MBA s and have already got the jobs. Our best wishes and congratulations to them. I am keen on seeing one of them married this year. I am sure he will not disappoint me. Best wishes for that also. As far as settling with life partners is concerned, I think many of us will be closing on to it or atleast the thought will start seeping in the minds.
A very few of us are going to give an entirely new direction to their lives, they all have best of my wishes.

Over all may this new year bring all happiness, success, stability and peace. Amen.